The Kellogg’s Pop-Tarts Commercial (1984) refers to an unaired commercial featuring Dick “Tricky D” Nixon and Milton the Toaster.
SETTING: A stark, wood-paneled kitchen set. A single box of Pop-Tarts sits on the counter next to MILTON THE TOASTER—a giant, anthropomorphic talking toaster with googly eyes.
DICK NIXON stands stiffly in a dark suit, sweat glistening on his hairline.
DICK (Staring aggressively into the camera) My fellow Americans. Recently, I spoke to you about a cereal. The radical left-wing media twisted my words when I called it “profoundly adequate.” But today, we talk about breakfast efficiency. The Kellogg’s company has manufactured a… a fruit-filled pastry.
(Milton the Toaster suddenly springs to life, eyes wiggling.)
MILTON That’s right, Mr. President! Pop-Tarts pop up hot and fresh! I’m Milton, your friendly neighborhood toaster!
DICK (Freezes, staring intensely at Milton. He leans in close, squinting at the slot.) Who said that? Is this a voice-activated Uher report recorder? Who is modulating this audio? Haldeman, check the baseboards.
MILTON No, sir! I’m Milton! I toast the pastries!
DICK (Eyes widening in sudden realization) Milton? Milton… Friedman? Good God, man, the Chicago School has gone too far. Free-market capitalism does not require you to confine yourself to a chrome chassis. And frankly, your monetary theories on inflation do not justify this absurd disguise.
MILTON I’m not an economist, I’m a toaster! Try a strawberry Pop-Tart!
DICK (Picks up a raw, un-toasted Pop-Tart, looking disgusted) Let’s look at the grand design here, Milton. This is pure sugar. It’s a confectionery bribe for the youth. The American child does not need frosted laminate for breakfast. They need discipline. They need a solid, resilient breakfast. Cottage cheese. Hot, unbuttered grits. Elements that build character through dental endurance.
(He sets the Pop-Tart down and lifts a steaming mug)
DICK If you want stamina for the silent majority, you drink Maxwell House—or in my personal residence, the superior, robust blend of Mixwell Hut coffee. It clears the sinuses and hardens the resolve. Not this… this pastry subversion.
(He glares at the toaster)
DICK I know you’re taping this, Milton. You tell the Fed I’m not buying it.
[FADE TO BLACK]
Production Note
Hollywood lore has it that Dick was upset when his regular Mixwell Hut brand coffee was substituted with Maxwell House Coffee.
See Also:
Dick Nixon and Frosted Flakes